Tim Hortons has taken on the oil industry and now we're all doomed

The world’s foremost Canadiana dispensary is in some deep shit after it decided to pull some in-store advertising for an oil company.

Tim Hortons was under online pressure to pull ads by Enbridge from their locations. Afraid of offending hip and awesome teens, the physical manifestation of our ephemeral national identity decided to cave and pulled the ads.

It promptly blew up in their face.

Enbridge, you see, is a Calgary-based oil company that employs thousands of folks in Alberta and by pulling their ads, Tim Hortons as slapped the face of every blue collar worker in this country.

A backlash quickly sprung up around #BoycottTims. People are so mad they’re burning Tim Hortons gift certificates. 

Why does Tim Hortons hate hard-working Canadians so much?

Members of the federal cabinet would sure like to know. Defence Minister Jason Kenny and minister of state for Western diversification Michelle Rempel took it to twitter, showing their support for the oil industry.

Our old friend Pierre Poilievre is in on the action too, retweeting all sorts of anti-Tims agitprop and news stories. It’s fair to say this is now a national issue.

Jesus Christ, we’re really going to do this aren’t we? 

It’s one of the strange features of this provincial backwater that so much of our national self-image is caught up in shitty bagels and unremarkable coffee. So much so that Serious People with Serious Jobs felt the need to weigh in on whether a foreign-owned corporation should accept money from an energy company to display advertising in its stores.

Conservative voters are causally referred to as the type of folks who get their coffee at Tim Hortons. And while the image is often a dim and often sneering one, it did hold a certain cache in news reports. Speaking to the Tims crowd was akin to speaking to the everyman.

Alas, that’s all over. A thousand news metaphors, swept away like so much boring dust.

While it’s good riddance to bad writing, we’re still left in the hilarious situation of this being an actual political issue.

With so many Tories throwing their weight behind the boycott Tims movement, it’s only a matter of time before some enterprising reporter asks a federal leader to weigh in on the whole thing.

One of those poor bastards is going to have to say where they stand on whether that coffee place is a national disgrace or not. God help them if they try and laugh it off.

So we’re all fucked.

The news media is fucked, Tim Hortons is fucked, our politicians are fucked, the oil industry is fucked, and our collective self-image is fucked. We’re all fucked and it’s thanks to a stupid donut shop.

It’s hard to believe Canada is even a real country.